“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”-William Saroyan
(Note: LROL is for Little Reminders of Love.)
LROL: At what age do people typically begin to go on dates?
Heidi: I think this varies by person. In my super small hometown, people had "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" in 5th grade, but didn't actually go on legitimate dates til 7th, 8th, or 9th grade. Even then the dates tended to be in groups or supervised by parents. Real, one on one dates begin around sophomore year, or 15ish.
LROL: Who asks whom on a date, normally?
Heidi: Again, it depends on the person. So far I've mostly seen a 50/50 split on who asks who - some girls just have more courage than others, some guy are just more shy.LROL: What is a typical first date like?
Heidi: Well, I've only lived in really small towns that are about half an hour away from the big cities. In my experience, the first date is usually some place local in case either person wants to leave early - it's also cheaper than paying for gas! Usually it's dinner, with a movie or bowling or something cheap (read: free!) since it's mostly college students around here.LROL: What is culturally "expected" of you and your date?
Heidi: Ah, this is where Americans love to blur the lines! Personally, I think it's expected to end with no more than a good kiss at the most, but definitely some form of contact - holding hands, a good night hug, something. However, I have some friends that believe that you shouldn't touch at all, and other friends who think it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with someone on the first date. I think it all depends on the American sub-culture you were raised with.LROL: Who decides what the date will be?
Heidi: Usually whoever does the asking. Sometimes the asker will only have enough courage to ask and then makes the other person pick the activity, but that's rare.LROL: Who pays?
Heidi: The guy should, but as most of my friends and I are still in college, it's pretty normal to go dutch on a date.LROL: What are the post-date norms?
Heidi: There are so many different "norms"! Typically, though, as I have pointed out to several of my girlfriends, the guy waits at least 24 hours to make contact, and even then it's more likely to be a text than a call. People don't call each other anymore unless they have been dating a long time.LROL: What would you change about the dating culture of where you live?
Heidi: Hmmmm.... I definitely think it would be nice to even out the ratio here - There are 4 women to every man on my campus! But mostly I wish guys didn't expect so much. Since the ratio is so off, most guys figure if a girl doesn't immediately want to hop into bed, they can just find another one who will.LROL: What do you like about the dating culture of where you live?
Heidi: I like that the dating culture is not rigid at all. The rules change with every relationship, and there is no set process.LROL: What was your best date?Heidi: Mini golf! My second boyfriend knew that my dad had strict rules about us dating - I was only allowed on group dates until my dad said otherwise - so he planned a fun day with his best friend and I. There was a new glow-in-the-dark mini golf course at the mall in town, and I seriously laughed the entire time. We were just goofing off and having a blast without any pressure of a one on one date.LROL: And your worst?Heidi: A date to the dining hall on campus. We were both freshmen in college, and he said he was going to surprise me for not helping me with my philosophy the night before. His surprise was that he got me my favorite flowers - after he had our mutual friend blatently ask me what they were. It was awkward - he had already gotten his food and grabbed a table, leaving me to go through the lines alone. After I sat down, the conversation was very lopsided and kinda boring - he mostly talked about his hometown and I was too nervous to say anything. At the end, he walked me back to my dorm, and then left without so much as a hug or a hand hold!LROL: Anything you'd like to add that I forgot to ask?
Heidi: ...
Do you guys have any questions you'd like to have added to the interview? Feel free to leave your idea(s) in the comments. If you'd like to participate in this series, please submit your contact information here.
Greg Novak
gregrnovak@gmail.com
(Note: LROL is for Little Reminders of Love.)
LROL: At what age do people typically begin to go on dates?
GR: 12 years old. Unless you count supervised, arranged dates. Then that shrinks down to 1 year old.
LROL: Who asks whom on a date, normally?
GR: The party with confidence. Statistically the male, but I feel like that paradigm is shifting. Of the last three (new; blind) dates I've been on, the female has suggested the time and place. Although I made initial contact in each case.LROL: What is a typical first date like?
GR: In my experience, this is generally a post-dinner date over drinks and appetizers. Rarely, a ore-dinner date fielding out the possibility of enough interest/chemistry warranting dinner (and/or more).LROL: What is culturally "expected" of you and your date?
GR: This question feels vague or ambiguous. I feel like the expectation is that the initial meeting will involve a crossfire-style interview process of lifestyle questions that basically gauge personality, sense of humour, financial status, education, and overall lifestyle compatibility. A given level of awkwardness is generally expected, so some are better at minimizing the social disconnect than others. I'm in sales, so I generally find myself very relaxed and confident (sometimes over-confident?) in my discourse. Personally, I leave a very narrow window for low intelligence/witty banter.LROL: Who decides what the date will be?
GR: With the exception of a VERY traditional gender role-player (in which case the female will pointedly leave it up to the pursuant male) I feel like this is generally suggested by whomever initiated the date, and is rarely disapproved by the other party.LROL: Who pays?
GR: I don't ever see a reason for the female to pay. Courtship is anthropologically sacred, and should be bankrolled by the pursuant male in the same way an engagement ring is a demonstration of a financial preparedness/ability to support a mate/family. Having said that, if there is little or no interest in pursuing the other party, a silent ducking out on the bill is not unheard of.LROL: What are the post-date norms?
GR: I think this depends on the individual natures of both parties involved. By the end of a (successful) first date, the pursuant male should be reasonably confident in what sort of follow-up is appropriate/desired/will result in a future rendezvous. Personally, I like an immediate text msg post-date (within the hour) along the lines of, "I had a great time! I'd like to do it again!" give or take humour or established shared jokes/anecdotes. This also takes the pressure off of both parties, and allows the female to respond at her leisure as to whether or not another date is in the books.LROL: What would you change about the dating culture of where you live?
GR: I don't really think there is much I would change. I enjoy the freedom and diversity of people I have the opportunity to meet and how I'm able to conduct myself.LROL: What do you like about the dating culture of where you live?
GR: I believe I answered this in my previous response.LROL: What was your best date?GR: Haha. Without exploring too much detail, we shared a rather impressive evening of public witty banter over drinks that continued into a two-year romance. It became clear very quickly that we shared a similar sense of humour and lifestyle ideals. We became intimate within a few more datesLROL: And your worst?GR: We met at a local bar for drinks. It wasn't horrible, but it was obvious after several minutes that we didn't have much in common. We ended the date at the first opportunity, and mutually decided afterward motto see each other again. It actually wasn't that bad I suppose lol.LROL: Anything you'd like to add that I forgot to ask?
GR: Am I amazing? Yes. Yes I am. I am a real treat. And strangely enough, still eligible. Heh.
Do you guys have any questions you'd like to have added to the interview? Feel free to leave your idea(s) in the comments. If you'd like to participate in this series, please submit your contact information here.
“There are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our encouragement, who will need our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give.”-leo buscaglia
Zaina N.
Dubai,
United Arab Emirates
I'd like to thank Zaina for being the first interviewee for this series. I'm excited to have received responses from all over the world. It should be fascinating seeing all the differences and similarities. (Note: LROL is for Little Reminders of Love.)LROL: At what age do people typically begin to go on dates?
Zaina: I'd like to start off by saying, the population in Dubai is largely made up of expats and I was raised in the expat community, which consisted of Lebanese, Palestinians, Jordanians, and Egyptians, along with a few scattered British and Italian expats.Growing up here, we started dating at a young age. My best friend got her first boyfriend when we were in the 7th grade, when we were around 11. And she dated him for 2 years. That's actually when most people in my school started dating. Around the age of 11 or 12. But you know what it's like when you're younger. Your dates are usually group dates so a little different from dating as an adult.LROL: Who asks whom on a date, normally?
Zaina: Typically, the guy asks the girl out on a date. I actually don't know of any girls who've ever asked a guy out here. I've considered it but chickened out. Mostly because I didn't think it was worth asking out a guy who wasn't willing to put the time and effort into taking me out on a real date instead of just "hanging out".LROL: What is a typical first date like?
Zaina: Usually, it's going out for coffee or drinks after work, in the evening. Most of my first dates have consisted of getting to know each other over drinks after work one night. It's a more casual atmosphere so most of the guys I know prefer it.LROL: What is culturally "expected" of you and your date?
Zaina: Culturally, you're expected to go out for a meal, get to know each other, be conservative and not touch each other in public. Yes that must be mentioned. Hand holding is okay in public but you can't really go much further than that. And of course, it is definitely not expected that you go home together - as in end up in bed together.LROL: Who plans the date?
Zaina: Usually the person asking decides that.LROL: Who pays?
Zaina: The guy always pays and he's usually the one who asks the lady out so I guess we could say the person who does the asking pays.LROL: What are the post-date norms?
Zaina: There is no 3-day rule that I know of. You call back if you're interested. You don't if you're not.LROL: What would you change about the dating culture of where you live?
Zaina: I think there's a problem in Dubai in the sense that you have a lot of options and so because you know there's another person round the corner that you can pick up, it's really difficult to keep people interested. Men really have their pick of women. And most people coming to live here, only come for a few years so no one is really looking for a commitment or to settle down. So you have a lot of people just looking to have some fun. For the person who is actually looking for a relationship, your options and very limited because most people just want to have some fun.LROL: What do you like about the dating culture of where you live?
Zaina: Hmm... good question. Actually, the great thing is that the onus is on the man to impress and I like being wooed. Men really know how to treat a woman right, at least on a date. Pick you up, open doors for you, order for you, book the best table in the restaurant. It's nice having someone pamper you for the night.LROL: What was your best date?Zaina: My best date was when I was living in Abu Dhabi, the capital city of the Emirates, just an hour drive from Dubai. I had just met an American guy who lived down the street from me. He asked me out to dinner. Didn't tell me where we were going just told me to dress nice. We went to this lovely French restaurant in one of the nicest hotels in town. He got us a table outside (and we were the only table outside actually), right by the water. We got appetizers, wine, champagne, desert. And the meal I order turned out to be one the top 10 meals in the city (he sent me an article about it the next day). It was just a very nice date - he pulled out all the stops.LROL: And your worst?Zaina: I actually haven't had any really bad dates. I guess I've been lucky.LROL: Anything you'd like to add that I forgot to ask?
Zaina: That's all. The only thing I would mention is that Dubai isn't really like the rest of the world in the sense that most of the people here are only here temporarily and depending on the community you live in, everyone probably has a very different experience. There is no one culturally accepted norm. My point of view is that of the Arab expat who grew up in Dubai but has also lived abroad and so we have Western tendencies. However, there are a lot of Arabs who are more traditional and don't really date. They'll just have their family set them up with someone. It really just depends on your community and what the norm is there.Thanks again, Zaina!
Do you guys have any questions you'd like to have added to the interview? Feel free to leave your idea(s) in the comments. If you'd like to participate in this series, please submit your contact information here.
And what I have to, sort of keep telling myself when I get really psyched out about that, is, don’t be afraid. Don’t be daunted. Just do your job. Continue to show up for your piece of it, whatever that might be. If your job is to dance, do your dance. If the divine, cockeyed genius assigned to your case decides to let some sort of wonderment be glimpsed, for just one moment through your efforts, then “Ole!” And if not, do your dance anyhow. And “Ole!” to you, nonetheless. I believe this and I feel that we must teach it. “Ole!” to you, nonetheless, just for having the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up.
“I look out the window and I see the lights and the skyline and the people on the street rushing around looking for action, love, and the world’s greatest chocolate chip cookie, and my heart does a little dance.” -Nora Ephron
"If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why [...] It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do."Natalie —of nat the fat rat fame—wrote this post about her first week home with her adorable baby boy (Henry Holbrook, cutest name ever? Yup.) and it had my eyes watering while it filled my heart:
"there is just something about your first baby, and something so beautiful about being a first time mom. i tried my best that first week to bottle every feeling up, and cork a lid on it, to save some for later. if i could do anything, anything in this whole world, i'd go back to that first week. that first week i was more than just myself. i was somebody's entire existence. and i had nothing to do with my days but just gaze and gaze and gaze at his serious, thoughtful little face, sleep when he slept, nod my head when he wanted to tell me something, and dream about the whole life that lay ahead of us."My friend Claire wrote this hilarious post on her blog, Chimerical Thoughts, about becoming our mothers. I almost spit my dr.pepper all over the screen while reading it I was laughing so hard:
"That weekend, when my relatives and the Bud Light entered the front door of the grad party, the neurotic behavior was bringing up the rear. Between myself, my mother, grandma and aunts, I realized I never stood a chance."I came across this today and laughed for a good twenty minutes. I don't agree with alllll of the reasons, but the ones I do agree with, I can relate 100%:
8. Your parents haven’t gotten up the nerve to directly have you married off, but sometimes at Christmas, you see a strange glaze come over your mother’s eyes and you know she’s thinking it.
30. You tend to fall in love with everyone you meet, and you can’t legally marry all of them. Also, Big Love proves that if you did marry all of them, it would be exhausting and one of them would be played by Chloe Sevigny. So, no, thank you.
35. You know that society expects you to go out and look like a Nicki Minaj video on Friday nights, but most of the time you would secretly rather stay in, have about five glasses of wine and watch reruns of Nova on PBS. Because you are internally a 50-year-old woman.
36. Your life model is Liz Lemon, which is great for most things but a very bad idea when it comes to relationships.
37. The pizza delivery guy doesn’t sell future husbands, just future sadness when you see the five pizza boxes lying near the trash and you know that no one else ate pizza in your apartment last night.I've been reading the blog I Wrote This For You for three years now and posts like this prove that it never fails to remind and inspire:
"And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!"
And each day, it's up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say "No. This is what's important."xo-
