Tuesday, January 10, 2012

On blogging & being vulnerable.

{via: flickr.}

when i began writing this blog, i was nervous. and i'd be lying if i didn't say i get a bit apprehensive before each time i click "publish." especially seeing as how i write about things i don't necessarily share in "real life." you see, in real life every since i was little, making people laugh has been my thing.

i wasn't good at math or piano so i made jokes about it. i couldn't do a cartwheel in front of my class? then i would make sure when i had to it would be the worst cartwheel known to mankind. making people laugh meant more to me than making people say "oh, wow! she can really____." and you see, when it came to personal feelings, i liked to keep things light. i once managed to break up a major ten year old cat fight at a slumber party with my own rendition of bette midler's wind beneath my wings. i'd much rather fake a smile than get down to the nitty gritty mishaps of life.

the problem with this tactic? when you pretend like your always happy and goofy, people believe you. they don't know if something hurt your feelings if you just laugh it off. and it's not their fault, i can't expect them to know the difference.

but that's the thing. this blog, it's given me a place to write about the things that are hard for me to come out and say. but i'm extremely timid when asked in real life about my blog or when my friends read it. one friend once told me how different i am from my blog. "why aren't you more funny on it?" he asked. i believe at that point i made a joke and avoided answering the question. because i don't know. i'm still working out the kinks.

but here's the other thing: it's so much easier to open up about things on here, to people i've never met, but who support me beyond words. it's made me reach out. it's made me open up. and it's made me extremely vulnerable. it's really helped me express who i really am. it's been a beautiful experience.

i once had a friend tell me that if a boy has a crush on me, and then sees my blog, it will scare him off.
that really bothered me, so much so that i almost took down my blog.

but then my sister told me something i would have probably never thought of:
if he doesn't respect your blogging and writing, you wouldn't want to date him. 
needless to say, it blew my twenty year old mind.

she was right. (as most big sisters always happen to be.)

when it comes to my own vulnerability, i'd say blogging about such things as my hopes for someday, a rough break up or two, and the big decisions i've had to make lately, i'm putting myself out there on a limb.

and for that, i'm pretty proud.

but, to add another cliche to this rambling of words, blogging, my friends, is just the tip of this iceberg of vulnerability.

and 2012? it's the year of taking more chances, making more changes, and opening up your heart to more love, and possibly more heartbreak.

but i'd rather take a chance, try something new, take a risk to love and be loved-- because the happiness that comes from even trying trumps any stumble along this crazy path.
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18 comments:

  1. I totally agree with you. Blogging has also made my life much more different in a good way. Knowing other bloggers from around the world, getting to know some, and understanding how it is to live in a different side of the earth (I love travelling but don't really have good finance to do so it kinda helps me) are amazing experience :)

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  2. I love this. I'm kind of the same way. I've always been super goofy, but when I write for myself (and only myself, mostly in journals), my writing is pretty serious and I think that my blog is kind of a hybrid for me of both the reflective and ridiculous parts of my personality. But! I love how you blog and I think that the best thing about it is how much your writing evolves. Plus, we've never met in person, but reading that you like to make people laugh isn't surprising. Everyone has different parts of their personality and I think that everyone displays those parts in different ways. So keep being proud of what you've been writing! You deserve to be.

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  3. Big sisters do always seem to be right.I love reading your posts. The way I see it, blogs allow bloggers to express emotions some might not be able to in reality. So blog with pride.

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  4. Anna, i really relate to this. It can be hard to open up especially online but its amazing when you get the support from all your blog friends. Your blog is very special!

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  5. Balance is crucial, whether we are speaking about work/life or solitude/companionship or or or. The list is endless, and balance and moderation are the keys. If a crush reads one post where you gush about love, he didn't get balance. If you don't share lighthearted goofy thoughts and then serious ponderings, you short change yourself with vocalization of the thought process. And your audience shoul get both as well-and WANT it! :) I am just now learning that sharing is a wonderful and necessary tool for self, for relationships, for growth and peace. Getting better each time I try.

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  6. i adore this. i had one of those soul-baring posts today, and i totally had a moment of hesitation where i thought "what if the guy who this is about sees this...?" then i remembered, if he didn't want me before the blog than i have nothing to lose. if a blog is a deal breaker for someone, then they clearly aren't cut out to love all of you anyway. your sister speaks wisdom.

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  7. you are telling me my own story! I got really upset today, because I don't feel I'm always appreciated or up front with people and I got home from a hectic day and saw this! thanks :)

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  8. Big sisters are always right and since I'm in the middle with mine...two older and two younger sisters I think I can speak with authority! Keep blogging as I love to read of your life's adventures and you inspire me to keep it fresh and keep believing.
    Hugs~

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  9. this was wonderful, and i absolutely agree with your sister. they have to love the deep, down you to truly love you. :)

    i love your blog. you are such a bright person even if you are honest about harder things. i can't believe someone would ever say different! :D

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  10. I am SO GLAD you kept your blog alive - I adore reading every time you update! It is so full of magic, positivity and fun.
    Also, as for the comments your friend and sister made -- I've been writing my blog for around 4 years, and 2 years ago I met the love of my life. A few months in, I was looking something up on his computer and realised he'd been reading my blog!! Apparently he found it by searching for the name of a dessert I love!! I was HORRIFIED, as I had written a lot of gushing posts about him and was terrified he'd be completely freaked out... but you know what? He loved it! :) Your sister was right!!
    xxxx

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  11. you all are the greatest. thank you thank you thank you for your support. and caroline, your story is sweet as pie!

    really friends, thank you. with love to the moon and beyond.

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  12. I agree 200%!
    Your blog reminds me to be honest with myself, and inspires me to write about things I cannot bring myself to voice verbally especially to those whom I love most dearly.
    From one Kansan girl to another, you rock my (blog)world!
    Thank you kindly!

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  13. wow. I loved this post. And I'm glad you decided to keep your blog.

    A friend of mine also told me once that if a guy read my blog it would scare him off, but I am what I write... sooner or later he would discover those things by himself. So if he's going to run away anyway, the sooner the better! ;)

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  14. Thank you, for writing this. For identifying something I've felt for such a long time. My venture into the blogging community has been trepidatious, but I'm grateful for your post on vulnerability, for recognizing it's a different platform, a new community, a real chance at feeling feelings outloud & being only supported, not judged. <3 with love, Amanda

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