i wasn't good at math or piano so i made jokes about it. i couldn't do a cartwheel in front of my class? then i would make sure when i had to it would be the worst cartwheel known to mankind. making people laugh meant more to me than making people say "oh, wow! she can really____." and you see, when it came to personal feelings, i liked to keep things light. i once managed to break up a major ten year old cat fight at a slumber party with my own rendition of bette midler's wind beneath my wings. i'd much rather fake a smile than get down to the nitty gritty mishaps of life.
the problem with this tactic? when you pretend like your always happy and goofy, people believe you. they don't know if something hurt your feelings if you just laugh it off. and it's not their fault, i can't expect them to know the difference.
but that's the thing. this blog, it's given me a place to write about the things that are hard for me to come out and say. but i'm extremely timid when asked in real life about my blog or when my friends read it. one friend once told me how different i am from my blog. "why aren't you more funny on it?" he asked. i believe at that point i made a joke and avoided answering the question. because i don't know. i'm still working out the kinks.
but here's the other thing: it's so much easier to open up about things on here, to people i've never met, but who support me beyond words. it's made me reach out. it's made me open up. and it's made me extremely vulnerable. it's really helped me express who i really am. it's been a beautiful experience.
i once had a friend tell me that if a boy has a crush on me, and then sees my blog, it will scare him off.
that really bothered me, so much so that i almost took down my blog.
but then my sister told me something i would have probably never thought of:
if he doesn't respect your blogging and writing, you wouldn't want to date him.needless to say, it blew my twenty year old mind.
she was right. (as most big sisters always happen to be.)
when it comes to my own vulnerability, i'd say blogging about such things as my hopes for someday, a rough break up or two, and the big decisions i've had to make lately, i'm putting myself out there on a limb.
and for that, i'm pretty proud.
but, to add another cliche to this rambling of words, blogging, my friends, is just the tip of this iceberg of vulnerability.
and 2012? it's the year of taking more chances, making more changes, and opening up your heart to more love, and possibly more heartbreak.
but i'd rather take a chance, try something new, take a risk to love and be loved-- because the happiness that comes from even trying trumps any stumble along this crazy path.