Thursday, June 16, 2011

Here I lay my trust.

{via: flickr.}

I have a lot of unreasonable fears. 

One of which I spend the most time worrying about is messing up my own fate.

"Anna, isn't that kind of like an oxymoron?" you ask. "Wouldn't  messing up your fate be just another part of your fate?"

You sir, are correct.  But my mind doesn't operate in such logical ways. No, no it does not..

but, today the theme of this post is fate, not how illogical my mind can be. (though, someday soon, there will be a post about how that.)

I truly believe in fate. I do. I truly believe that someday I will look back on these times & say, thank goodness it didn't work out in that relationship, otherwise I would have never met ________ (insert future husband's name here.)

but Today is not someday. Today is today & today I am losing the skip in my step, the sparkle of hope in my eyes. It's easy to say you believe in fate. It's much harder to put all of your trust in fate. I am a big fan of the thought that God has plans in store for us... plans much greater than anything we could conceive on our own. I love this thought. I have faith that it is true. God knows what will truly make us happy while we so often don't.

But here I sit on the other side of the world, away from my family & friends. It is beautiful here. Absolutely breathtaking. But I can't help but find myself wondering: "what if I'm supposed to meet my husband right now, but I am here?", "what if my perfect job was just around the corner & I went & threw it away?" these thoughts keep my mind busy throughout the day & though they are exhausting thoughts to have, they keep my mind swirling most nights. It's a terrible pattern.

But, a pattern I intend to change. 

So tonight, as I lay my head down to rest,
I will put all my trust in Him.
Every little bit.

xo-
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12 comments:

  1. I love this post! I, too, lay all my trust in that. And want to know something? I have seen the fruits of it. Over and over again. Your blog is always so lovely!

    Btw, I'm glad things are working out in Germany considering your initial experience.

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  2. hello my dear! i totally understand and relate to everything you are saying right now. life feels very difficult right now.. and i keep thinking that maybe its passing me by and i should be looking harder for that guy to come a long (future hubby). but i guess God has a plan for all of us...? xo

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  3. oh i so so relate to this. so much. sometimes you need to get out of your own way, that's what i always repeat to myself in these times of mind-swirliness. that, and i always ask my mom to go get mexican food with me. both have soothing effects. ;)

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  4. this post is so in sync with my the thoughts today, I was wondering if when Mr.Right comes along I will be able to say he was worth the wait and would make me feel better about my failed relationships.

    I was wondering how am I going to adjust to being unemployed after September and if quitting my job is really a good decision.

    life can be oh-so uncertain sometimes, but I love the anticipation, why rush to what he already has in store for us?

    Enjoy yourself in Germany and keep resting in Him

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  5. our brain is so hard to argue with, especially when it makes us feel such strong emotions with those thoughts! if it helps any, i dated a boy back in college. something inside me just knew he was the one i wanted to end up with. we dated for a year and it dissolved. we broke up and i was so confused and heartbroken. i thought for sure God had been leading our lives together to be shared for forever, that it was fate we had met and fallen in love, so how could it end? the next couple years were full of confusion and fear about the future of my life and love. we moved apart, only sort of kept in touch, and both casually dated other people. but we reconnected when we both ended up living in san francisco. we had both changed a lot, but there were so many things that we still had in common. we started over and became friends again, at the very beginning of our friendship. we spent more and more time together until i eventually said "i think i have feelings for you again, but i'm content just being friends." a few weeks later we were dating, and now we're married. it's definitely one of those things that i look back on, having the whole picture now, and see how i had nothing to fear during those uncertain times. of course, there's no way to convince yourself of that in the moment, so i hope my story can be evidence for you that life always works itself out. i think if dannon and i hadn't met up in san francisco, we would have in LA or portland or somewhere else eventually. just knowing that you're doing what you're supposed to do now means that you are following the right path for your life. and if you're following the right path, then you're not going to miss out on the good stuff waiting for you. who's to say he's not over there right now, living in your host town or traveling europe over the summer?

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  6. dear girl- you are there for a reason. believe it! you have the strength to discover it. explore!!!! be in those moments as much as you can and your life will unfold itself. xoxo

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  7. I just want to say thank you for this post. I kinda lost it a bit on Wednesday (RSAMD final outcome not being what I would've liked) and I think that today I can truthfully say that I've put it behind me. Not that it doesn't hurt a little bit still but not as mind-numbing as it did two days ago.
    It's hard to trust sometimes but it's so worth it. (especially if then a window opens while you're banging on that closed door...)

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  8. you all have put my heart at such ease. thank you for sharing your beautiful stories & struggles with me. You are definitely in my thoughts & hopefully we'll all find our paths with strength & faith.

    thank you. thank you. a million times. thank you.

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  9. Great post! I trust fate, too. But don't worry about being in Germany. That's where I'm from, and two years ago, I spent a year in the USA, and I can truly say that it is one of the best things that ever happened to me, maybe even the best thing. I met so many wonderful people and I grew so much as a person.
    And who knows, maybe you are going to meet your future husband in Germany? Then fate as led you here, so don't loose your faith, you never know what great things Fortuna has in store...

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  10. This was sweet.

    I'm sure you'll find out soon why those things aren't the way they are... Or couldn't be at all...

    We can make up the most creative stories of how our life could be in our own heads, but God's plan is even more remarkable... Even if it takes longer than Tolkien made Frodo wait before he actually went on his journey to destroy the ring.

    >.> I'm not a nerd or anything...

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  11. Just found your blog and this post.

    I remember feeling like this so much before I met my husband. This whole faith thing is hard and that doesn't change much after you are married...!

    It wasn't magical when I met my husband, but it felt really good when I prayed and his actions spoke louder than any of the words other boys had told me.

    We both have a relationship with God, we both love each other, and we're both determined to make it work.

    You'll find what you're looking for...because you are looking to the right place :)

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